I am deeply unhappy.
I know I’m not alone as this is such a difficult time for many. I know I won’t be deeply unhappy forever. I know the countless reasons I and my family are lucky. I know that I will get through this.
Those things help. But they don’t change that, right now, I’m deeply unhappy.
Some of it, I’m sure, is a result of this past year. Some of it, equally reasonably, is related to this upcoming year with all the uncertainties and fears involved. Some of it, I know, is because I am feeling at sea right now, lacking purpose and direction. Some of it is family related. It’s the perfect storm of awfulness weighing me down.
As a result, I’m struggling to do anything. Little things are super irritating. I just want to sleep. I find myself playing Solitaire on my phone for absurd amounts of time because it is just distracting enough for my brain but doesn’t require serious thinking. I’m beating myself up for not getting things done that need to be done. I tell myself I have more time than I’ve had in years and yet nothing is getting accomplished. (And, actually, things are getting accomplished and I know that, but not enough and maybe not the stuff that matters so I’m still beating myself up.)
Lots of people have reached out and checked on me in the past few months and I am grateful to them all, more than they’ll ever know. Again, I know I’ll be okay. Not immediately, maybe not tomorrow or next week or even next month, but I know I’ll be okay. I’m writing this not because I feel I need others to know this about me, specifically, but because I am sure others are feeling similarly. Feeling this way isn’t something we like to talk about, maybe not even something we like to face and admit to ourselves. I know I’ve been fighting facing it for a bit now. So I’m writing in case someone else needs to know they aren’t alone, in case someone else needs to see their emotions in black and white here.
I am deeply unhappy. I’ll be okay.