Change Is So Hard

I don’t think writing is really going to get me through this one, but it’s my go to so here I am. We dropped our oldest child off at college today. We helped her move in, had lunch with her, went to Walmart (she’s going to college in a small town and that was the option), and wrapped up what we could with her before she headed off for dinner with some new people and we headed home.

I knew today wasn’t going to be easy but I didn’t realize how hard it would be. And she’ll be home in 2 1/2 weeks for a concert! It’s only 2 1/2 weeks until I see her again. And we’ve already been texting. And we can talk anytime. Communication and connection is so easy.

And none of that matters. I miss her.

I don’t know how to be her mom when she’s hours away. I don’t understand what my role is now.

Not that I’ve really ever known, of course. Parenting is a learn-as-you-go activity. We’ve gotten here, that feels like a success, even with all the stumbles and errors along the way. I just can’t see what it looks like ahead. The road forward is foggy and blurred and I feel lost.

I want her to be safe and happy. I haven’t ever been able to guarantee that for her. Right now, though, it is out of my hands more than ever before.

She’s strong. She’s smart. She’s super kind and generous. She’s going to be just fine. Actually, she’s going to be great.

I’m not so worried about her.

How I am going to be okay?

One reply

  1. Charlene O'Brien says:

    Jennifer, what a moment for your family. I’m thinking about you. I’m also thinking about your oldest. You both have so much ahead to bond over. It’s exciting, hopeful, and hard all at once. This song came on the radio in the car on a trip where I drove to upstate NY to see one daughter play a college game and immediately drove home to drop another off at college. It hit home. https://www.shazam.com/track/622088/letting-go.

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